Honking Deatheaters With Lung Problems
by The Luna Complex
Summary: Based off of a true story. Lily and James have a little problem... not the best thing I've ever written but it's entertaining to know it's all true. :


**Disclaimer: One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead boys got up to fight. Back to back, they faced each other, pulled out their swords, and shot one another. The deaf cop on the beat heard the noise and came and shot the two dead boys. If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man. He saw it too! See that poem? That made about as much sense as me telling you that I own Harry Potter.**

**Dedication: Rupert. You'll find out why soon enough. I can't tell you or I'll give away the story. :)**

"_Do you, James, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold; and do you promise, forsaking all others, to cleave to her and her alone, for as long as you both shall live?"_

"_I do," James agreed in a firm voice._

"_Do you, Lily, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold; and do you promise, forsaking all others, to cleave to him and to him alone, for as long as you both shall live?"_

_Lily smiled and opened her mouth, to say the two words that would bind them together._

_Instead of hearing the words he was ever so longing to hear, though, a strange gasping noise ripped its way out of her throat._

"_Excuse me?" James asked hesitantly._

_Again, she emitted a strange gasping noise._

"_Excuse me?" he asked again, stupidly._

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James awoke with a start.

He rolled over to check the time.

It was four in the morning.

He looked over at his sleeping wife and smiled.

He remembered his wedding day vividly. Lily had said her vows oh-so perfectly. No strange gasping noises interrupted _their_ ceremony.

Just as he thought that, a strange gasping noise... no, _the_ strange gasping noise ripped its way into his thoughts.

_What in the name of Merlin...?_

Slowly, after a few minutes, the strange gasping noise started morphing into strange honking noise.

After the gasping noise had completely made the switch to a clean honking noise, another honking noise had joined in somewhere in the distance.

Quickly deciding it was nothing to worry about, he drifted back to sleep, thoughts of Lily running through his head.

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Approximately twenty-four hours later, James awoke to the same strange honking noise.

_This is just bizarre._

Then a thought struck him.

They were on Voldemort's hit list, weren't they?

Yes, ever since their son, Harry, had been born, they were at a huge risk of being spited by the Dark Lord, Voldemort himself.

James' whole body tensed as he looked at his deeply sleeping wife.

He would never let anything happen to her. Not while he was alive to protect her.

Quietly, so as to not wake Lily, he grabbed his wand and headed toward the window.

He stood by the window for a second before quickly throwing it open and shining a light outside.

A quick scuttling noise was heard and then all was silent.

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"Lily, I need to talk to you," James said seriously the next morning at breakfast.

"What is it?" she asked worriedly, taken aback by his uncharacteristic tone.

"I think someone's been spying on us."

Lily dropped the spoon she was currently trying to force into Harry's mouth, splattering applesauce on the kitchen floor.

"What do you mean?" she asked nervously, shakily picking up the spoon and vanishing the applesauce from the white tile.

"Well," he continued, "For the past two nights I've been hearing strange noises. It's unlike anything I've ever seen. At first, it started out with this gasping kind of noise, and then it turned into a kind of honking sound. And there's not just one. I heard at _least_ two."

Several different emotions flitted across Lily's face all at once. She settled for confusion.

"It's like they use the honking noise as some sort of strange method of communication. I don't know about the gasping noise, though. Maybe they have lung problems," he clarified.

"Honking deatheaters with lung problems, James?" she asked skeptically.

"I know it sounds weird, but we should check it out, just in case," he added, looking over at Harry.

"Yeah, I guess so..." Lily agreed hesitantly, also looking over at Harry.

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That night, sure enough, the honking began again.

"Lily," James whispered urgently. "Lily, wake up!"

"What is it, James?" she mumbled tiredly.

"It's back!"

She slowly sat up and furrowed her brow as she listened to the mysterious honking noise.

"What is it?" she asked curiously.

"Hopefully not a honking deatheater with lung problems."

"Come on," she whispered, grabbing her wand and making her way silently over to the door.

Noiselessly, the pair glided through the lawn, wands held out in front of the protectively until they reached their window, the source of the sound.

Slowly, Lily raised her wand to reveal the... "honking deatheater with lung problems."

"A goose, James?"

**A/N: Seriously, this has to be one of the worst things I've ever written. I know what I _want_ to say... I just can't find the words to get it out. Oh well.**

**Yes, this is based off of a true story. Every night, Rupert the goose comes and sits under my window and honks. Why? I'm not totally sure. We checked to see if there was a nest or something... but there's not. I named his friend from across the street Matilda. The gasping part? I'm not sure about that either. I would probably call animal control and find a vet for him, but it only happened once so I'm not worried.**

**Oh, yes. I'm doing Day of Silence tomorrow and you all should too! If anyone's planning on participating please tell me so I know you're just amazing that way. :)**

**I know this was absolute crap, but can you review anyway? Please?**


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